Erazats News

Here at Erazats there is a question which we are often asked: “Who are you, why do only post all of your articles a year apart from eachother, and what’s up with the topic inconsistency?” Those questions are probably better left answered another time. But for now let’s talk about a simple ego booster that can be achieved with just a computer and an internet connection. We’re guessing you have both of those since you’re reading this.

Unless you live in a cave, you probably know what BitTorrent is. You also probably know that you can head over to sites such as The Pirate Bay or YouTorrent and download $10,000 worth of software or movies for free. You also probably take part in said downloading. If you do, great! F*ck the RIAA, TPB 4 life, etcetc. The only problem with torrenting (well, the only one which i am going to mention) is that torrent sites have unreliable download speeds. This tends to cause frustration, because, well, everyone wants their illegal movies and software A-SAP. So what if it’s greedy? This is america–we define greedy! So, what’s the solution to this problem?

Well Mr./Mrs. reader, if you are one of the lucky bastards/bastardettes with FiOS internet service or the like (anything with >2Mbps upload speed), you can give yourself a little ego booster by helping someone else get their content. Even if you’re not blessed with le fiber, there are options. You can rent a Virtual Private Server (VPS) with Windows from a company like 1&1 or Krypt and do the same deeds 10x better than those FiOS dorks for around $25 per month.

So, you may ask, how does this whole thing work? Well, I’ve personally built you a 3-step proven success system:

1. Head on over to your favorite torrent site and go to the Recently Added section.
2. Look for torrents with 1 seed and >5 peers.
3. Fire up the torrent in your program (I HIGHLY recommend uTorrent)
4. Remove your upload speed cap if you have one and watch the magic happen.

At this point it might seem like you’re just downloading a file you don’t need. But you’re doing so much more–you’re “boosting” the torrent. As long as you maintain the highest completion below the seed, you can reduce stress on the seed and the other peers by distributing data to as many of the other peers as possible. This allows a few things to happen:

• New downloaders will be able to get their file faster.
• Current peers will have an easier time filling in the pieces of data that are missing.
• Once you are a seed, more seeds are created at a faster pace because you are delivering pieces at such a high bandwidth.
• Everyone is happy because they get their file faster.
• You gain the satisfaction of helping out a group of people with hardly any work.

Keep in mind that you don’t have to be on an illegal torrent site, and even I recommend against it if you’re planning on doing this often. Just go to a site which hosts Linux torrents–I recommend TuxDistro–and pick up a torrent with an unstable seeder to leecher ratio. Here’s what my BT client looks like on a typical day (click to enlarge):

Now go out there and make someone’s day!

In Weepohlooteh, Nevada, a gang war broke out between the cities two most dangerous and criminal gangs, the Bastahdes and the Ayhohlles. Both gangs have been rivaling and working against each other for over a decade now, and the people of Weepohloteh were not surprised to see a gang war. The two gangs have always been notoriously violent, and have been known to commit many crimes. The sick Bastahdes were often found guilty for crimes such as furniture insurance fraud, mass murder of the homeless, and grand-theft taco. Meanwhile, those annoying Ayhohlles were often guilty of plagiarism, selling boot leg copies of foreign films, and producing Pimpery: The Musical. A gang war, though new to their lists of misdeeds, is nothing too unexpected from them.

The war broke out sometime around 4:23:47am. Imakeel Yuu, the leader of the Bastahdes, started the war under the influence of what he calls, “Magik Shroomz.” While coincidently passing by a warehouse well known to be occupied by the Ayhohlles, decided to launch an attack. He started his assualt by throwing his body against the hard stone wall of the warehouse, in an attempt to break the support beams and cause a cave-in. After a few minutes and possible head injuries of this pitiful attempt, he decided to adopt a new plan from one of his fellow gang members.

He entered the the warehouse via the unlocked doors which he had forgotten were there, and began firing his AK-47 wildly into the room. Within seconds, the Ayhohlles retaliated, pulling out their guns and firing back at him. By the time everyone in the fight was over the majority of people involved were dead. Fortunately, thousands of mice and rats were able to escape the facilities of the warehouse. Further investigation shows that the leader of the Ayhohlles, Baydebreeth Fattmawn, was running some sort of arena with the small rodents, causing many of them to perish in bloody death-matches. Because of his death, which may have been caused by both the fight and the fact that he had sniffed a large portion of his “Happy Dust,” all the mouse and rat gladiators were free. In the gang’s weakened state, police authorities were able to arrest the surviving Ayhohlles and the nasty Bastahdes that had started the war were able to become the unrivaled ruling gang of the city.

-R.E. Porter, Erazats News

Just a few minutes ago, while being jumped all over by fangirls, beloved Erazats writer Isuko Ninja has legally changed his name to R.E. Porter. Proceeding his actions, said fangirls ran away at the sight of the new name. However, Porter has found great relief in a new name, noting that he can now “be like one of those mysterious authors” (read: J.K. Rowling). Porter is already back in his office and hard at work striving to deliver to you the best news from around the world.
Worry not, former Isuko fans. Porter has merely changed a name, not a personality. You will still be able to mail him fan letters with requests for autographs at his usual address, which I will not remind you of. This is the beginning of a new era! …zats.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

We do realize that it’s somewhat early to reveal the latest technologies to our readers since the last revelation, but this one is too exciting to pass up.

The day was Sunday. It was a cool afternoon in Southeastern Pennsylvania. The brand? Ben & Jerry’s. An extremely obese (180lbs.) woman eating ice cream in her backyard pool discovered that she would perform an effortless backflip after each bite. She had no idea why it was happening, but she claims to have lost over 40 pounds in a day purely by eating this ice cream.

So Erazats.com’s “highly trained” group of “professional researchers” went out to investigate this amazing event. We visited the woman (Jasmine Treklyn) at her home this morning on Dropfat St. around south Philadelphia. She invited us in warmly and offered us some fat people food (celery and ranch dip. fat to the max.) She explained to our “scientists” that this was not a staged event. She was innocently eating ice cream in her pool when she was bombarded with backflips of weight loss.

Team Erazats found the cause of this miracle after a quick evaluation of the scene. Apparently a reaction between the chlorine in the pool and a toxic additive in the ice cream created a chemical that stimulated a specific nerve in the brain which controls backflips. Usually this nerve does not activate unless a person would exert force to perform a backflip, but the ice cream seems to have created a stress-free way to backflip yourself to anorexia.

The potential use of this technology throughout America is astounding. With a 60% obesity rate and a massive pool (no pun intended) of ice cream addicts, what better way could there be to lose weight? There are no known side effects for this method, aside from the obvious (backflipping down a staircase, etc).

As far as getting this product on store shelves, we’ve got the entire ‘zats & ‘zats legal team bitching over the phone to Ben & Jerry’s to persue this new delight.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

This morning, the Supreme Court won a trial against McDonald’s regarding the amount of poison included in each portion of McDonald’s “food”. The court ordered that they reduce the poison levels in their food by 97%, bringing popular burgers such as the 32oz. Big Mac down to a measly 0.4oz burger. Drinks made by other companies for McDonald’s (McFlurries, sodas, etc.) were reduced from 24oz. to 23.98oz (still a 97% reduction in poison).

In coordination with ABC’s new rip-off series “Fat March” we sent notes back and forth to interview McDonald’s CEO Maishiddis Green via a fat guy running along busy highways (who ironically ordered McDonald’s for every meal along the way). Here’s how it turned out:

Erazats News: How does this judgment affect your business?
Maishiddis Green: Our revenues have seen a staggering drop. Essentially (please don’t publish this), we serve poison and call it food. Poison is about 85% cheaper than real food, and it contains addictive additives which constantly bring customers back. Now that we can only put 3% poison in our food, we have to find real food to fill the other 97% to maintain our abnormally large meal portions. This will result in a Big Mac costing about $4.97 retail. We consider ourselves lucky to be able to still offer bargain prices. Imagine the cost if we used safe meat!
EN: Do you plan on constructing a new business model for McDonald’s?
MG: Not really. We already have our customers hooked. And despite the price raises, that 3% nicotine-laced poison should be enough to maintain addiction within most of our customers.
EN: Do you still think you will have the edge on the fast-food market after these changes?
MG: I don’t think we will, I -know- we will. We’ve already hired a squad of highly trained U.S. Army bomb squad terrorists to blow our competition out of the ground…literally. McDonald’s will continue to use unhealthy, unethical, dirty business practices to achieve profit. That has been our mission ever since we purchased the company name from those two brothers ages ago. We will continue to advertise jobs at our restaurants to the young American crowd, promising the best working experience around, and not live up to that promise by making them work in environments with mouse crap everywhere at minimum wage. Basically, not much will change.
EN: Thanks for your time. We hope you burn in hell.

We’d like to take the end of this article to commend Larry “The Cable-watcher Guy” Schwartz for his sheer dedication to Erazats News and his personal health. All in all, he lost 700 pounds of fat and gained 701 pounds in leg muscle (that’s what happens when you run six notes from Pennsylvania to Washington State over the course of three days). We hope all of you out there who are trying to lose weight follow in his footsteps (and show your dedication to Erazats). Soon we’ll be opening up a shop with a T-shirts you can buy to show your dedication to Erazats and show off to your friends all the fat lost (and the muscle you gained).

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

[Serious Mode]

We are truly sorry for all of the people who have fallen into the trap of American fast food. Most likely it’s not your fault. However great their food may taste, it’s putting so much crap into your body that you have to be a writer for a propaganda website to be able to laugh about it. If you’d like to learn more about the harmful effects of fast food, you can go rent or download SuperSize Me!, an Erazats recommended movie, or you can go here. Furthermore, for those of you who would like to help us rebel against the fast food companies, there is a petition here that you can sign to help prevent the torture of animals in slaughterhouses (being cooked alive, kicked around, etc.). May the ‘zats be with you! Together we shall end the hellhole we call fast food!

After his near-death experience involving a rubber pen grip, rubber specialist and highly acclaimed scientologist Tom Caruze headed to the lab to make sure nobody else would ever have to come close to fate the way he did. We inquired about his accident with utmost respect.

“So we’re assuming you choked or something stupid,” asked Erazats reporter Yamaki Tsuki. “Well,” Caruze stated, “not exactly. The pen I was using was bugged by government officials, and included various in-pen explosives. I must have said something suspicious, which triggered the explosives, centered around the area that a normal person would use a pen grip. The blast absolutely decimated the grip, giving me a third degree boo-boo on my middle finger and thumb on my right hand. I put some ice on it and within five minutes I no longer felt pain. However, as I was heading back to my basement, I tripped over my cat and fell down the stairs, shattering my skull. I was in a coma for four years following some months of intensive care. Obviously, none of this would have happened if the grip had held together through the blast. So once I was released from the hospital, I headed to my lab to do some research. Within hours, my sheer luck led me to create a type of rubber that’s completely resistant to penetration and fire. I contacted Bic and agreed to sell my new material to them for the production of safer, more grippy pen grips.”

This was a resonable story. We next asked “Haven’t you thought of selling this to tire companies or bouncy-ball plants? This could save many lives and make it easier for heavier-wheeled vehicles to be produced.” Tom responded, “Funny that you mention it. I actually did contact Firestone and proposed a $50 billion dollar deal to them, but their CEO said that was outrageous and offered me a much more ‘reasonable’ $790 million. I told him his mother reeked of manure and hung up. Further than doing that, I have no more plans for my new rubber. I have patented it and will not sell it to anyone else besides Bic.” We couldn’t believe this guy. “Why are you being so selfish with your new invention?” “Because I can.”

Here at Erazats we believe in the advancement of science and technology. So, for all humanity’s good, we loaded Caruze into a cannon and shot him into the Atlantic.

We did attempt to interview the CEO of Firestone, but we couldn’t understand what he was saying over all of the crying.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

In the small town of Popcornnchikenz, Texas, a recent absence in cows has forced local farmers to look for a new kind of dairy. Luckily they discovered that chickens can produce an orange milk like substance when squeezed violently. This milk like substance or “Chicken Milk” has been succsefully used to make all sorts of typical dairy products, such as cheese, cream, cheese, butter, and cheese. The only flaw is that each product has a slight orange color.

The discovery of chicken milk and its many capabilities was made by Popcornnchikenz farmer John Scaammerr and his various farm workers; Juan Lopez, Carlos Rodriguez, Maria Santiago, and Jose Garcia. Farmer Scaammerr gives most of the credit to his loyal workers. “They’ve shown high intelligence and good strength ever since they climbed the fence into my edge of the border farm.” he says.

On a final note the cows are still missing and are suspected to have been abducted by local space aliens Chznagoz and Lhrugyo. Police are looking into the case, but so far, no real evidence against the space alien couple has been found. The only possible evidence is a barn stuffed with cows hidden in the woods behind their house and the flying saucer with a working tractor beam in their garage. However, this is very unlikely evidence. If you have information about the missing cows, please call 1-555-COW’S-LOST.

Adios!

Mr. Kidzrguna Dy, a resident in East Dallas recently completed his goal of building a 3×3 foot miniature basketball court model in his backyard. He created the model to help him plan the layout of his brand-new 3×3 mile McDonalds that he’s planning to build this fall. When we asked how a tiny basketball court model was relevant to the plans of a huge-arse McDonald’s, he stated “Ga Floogiboo, ma tel kooni ma raptur asian.” That was enough to convince us that his plan was a streak of genius.

His miniature b-ball court seemed to be going off without a hitch, until his neighbor reported that a gang of killer pidgeons had invaded the court and started gang wars. We were able to record the pidgeons via a hidden camera, and got proof of what happened. We are lucky enough to have a friend down here at Erazats who transforms into a pidgeon by night, named Isucko. We sent him in to get killed *cough* uh, excuse me, to get DETAILS about the gangs that were hangin’ out in the courts. Here’s what we captured from a tape recorder that we strapped to Isucko:

Isucko: Yo wazzup PIDGEZ?!
(Right then, a pidgeon the size of a deflated balloon tackled our feeble Isucko and cornered him, threatening to peck)
Isucko: Yo what is yo NAME?! Man back up OFFA me dawg!
Pidd-G: My name’s Pidd-G, what’s yours? Stringcepts?
Isucko: HAH! Oh man that was clever! *sniffle sniffle* Ooooh you got me man. But really, it’s Isucko. I’m here wundrin about yo bizness up in here. Dis place aint’ yours! DIS MY HOUSE!
Pidd-G: Oh, oh my goodness. I am. So. Sorry. Like, we thought this was a free party or something. We -TOTALLY- are SOOOO sorry.
Isucko: E-excuse me?
Pidd-G: COME ON GIRLS! WE’RE LEAVING! Ugh. I am DONE. I am SO. DONE. PMS is about to kick in. Better run while ya can.
Isucko: Uh…okay. Bye.

Isucko has been stuck in pidgeon form ever since. But hey, we’re not complaining. The PMSing pidgeon pansy pack headed out and caused various trouble around the neighborhood, including eating all of the fattest man in the worlds’ stash of ice cream. The fat man got pissed and fell over on his dog, who promptly yelped, fell out a window, and smashed a bystanding Gnome. Another Gnome came from nowhere and threw the dog at an old lady and well…yeah. You can guess the rest.

…Wow, I’m really craving some ice cream right now.

This morning, British gang “Da Gurli Men,” consisting of the Gurli brothers, released their new classical album entitled “U R Gona B Dead”. The record company that they were working with almost didn’t accept the title, but the owner of the label says they threatened him by claiming “If U Dun Release Us We Will Make U Dead.”
The group has had about $22 in sales since this morning, which is over 1.5 million records. They started to wonder why they were making more money selling fake drugs (”plaster crack”) than selling 1.5 million albums. Their manager, J.D. Snoop Brotha Homie 75 Cent G, told us that since he uses an “Apple CrappingtonBook,” a decimal point and about 4 zeroes were added in before the retail price. Apple denies that it was their fault, and say that he was probably drunk when he made this “error”. Apple is suing J.D. Snoop Brotha for publically insulting their CrappingtonBook line, and is also renaming the line of computers to iSuck.

This article was submitted by Bush, we swear. Yeah, we know it sucks. We expected it.
*runs*

My liver has exploded and I have been put into a coma. I won’t be able to write until tomorrow. Sorry I let you down, kids.