Erazats News

Today, a Cheese Curls representative held a press conference about the new chemical that has been added to Cheese Curls. He said the following: “This new formula is designed to increase the snack’s appeal, as well as reduce fatty contents in it.” He says that profits are expected to hit the roof in the coming months. The only disadvantage in this new chemical is that it causes a deadly reaction in people with names starting with the letter “B.” The reason for this reaction is not known, but scientists do know that the Curls can give godlike powers to people whose names start with the prefix “Pgx”. The new Curls will be in stores two weeks from the date of this post, so if your name starts with B you better stock up on the old ones while they last!

In fact, over the past two days, huge riots have broken out in several supermarkets over the fact that the soon to be out of date curls were out of stock. In one case, the amount of people was so large that the floor collapsed and they all fell below ground. It took rescue teams thirteen hours and many forklifts to get everyone out safely. A homeless bystander had this to say: “Oh man, they peoples was fat!”

Oh, right, here’s a reminder for all of our readers: Don’t eat a banana if it has brown spots. I almost threw up all over an old lady yesterday because I ate a browning banana.

(Sorry for the lack of good content. Come on, it’s 10PM, I’m freakin tired. Good stuff tomorrow

SkamiCo (NYSE: SKAM) has released a new technology that prevents their products from going near products made by other companies. SkamiTensils, a subdivision of SkamiCo, makes virtually every utensil you can imagine, with the exception of serving spoons. Surveys show that 90% of families all over the Earth use SkamiTensils for eating. Out of those people, 77% of them use serving spoons. This means that 69.3% of the world’s population (assuming all of these people buy new SkamiTensils) will no longer be able to use serving spoons within 20ft. of any of their SkamiTensils.

For comsumers, this may not be a problem. One man said, “We’ll just switch to serving forks, oruse a large Skami-spoon.” Many people agree with this man’s statements, and have no problem getting rid of their serving spoons.

This matter, however, has severely affected Swedish company NYKEA. The owner of the company, Schazinjertux Vequosintongadingle, had the following to say: “It has only been two weeks since SkamiTensils’ new product releases, and our profits have dropped by over 70%! We need to create some type of deal with them to–” In the middle of our interview, Mr. Vequosintongadingle was knocked unconcious by a falling box of serving spoons.

Here’s the bottom line: You’re better off just not buying SkamiTensils. The name of the company sounds suspiciously like “scammy,” so they’re not ones to be trusted. In addition, here at Erazats News, we believe in serving spoons more that we believe in God. Every time a serving spoon is thown away, a puppie falls down a long flight of stairs into a coma. Please, think of the puppies.

Around 1pm at Paymoure and Flanigan, an unaware shoplifter was kidnapped by one of his new stolen chairs. “I was just loading up my truck with some stolen goods when the thing grabbed me, put me in the driver’s seat, and threatened to kill me if I didn’t drive,” stated Shoppe Leeftar, the German shoplifter who was kidnapped. According to his story, after he drove for about 10 miles, he was forced to enter his house and remain silent while the chair looted him. Luckily, security from Paymoure and Flanigan had witnessed the event and were on hot persuit. When they arrived, they found Shoppe watching a soccer game on T.V. while the chair watched him, ready to fire its gun. The security guards, who had learned kung-fu during mandatory training, quickly broke the chair’s leg before it could react. The chair, who we now know is named Classy Seat $500, is sentenced to 5 years in state prison. This just goes to show that justice always wins. Until next time, see ya.

Can Grilled Cheese cure cancer? Recent statistics show that it may be possible. “87% of people who ate grilled cheese before chemo have come out of the procedure completely cured,” says Cansar S. Groeth, a Polish scientist. “We believe that certain chemicals in the cheese react when exposed to radiation. This reaction is what cures the tumor,” he explained. He also explained about certain experiments that were being done on mice with cancer. So far, Swiss cheese has proven to have no effect on the mice. Meanwhile, Provalone has cured 43% of its patients and American has cured 74%. He also told that he would conduct some experiments with cheddar.

After our interviewer’s 2 hour lunch break, (which consisted of a grilled cheese sandwich and 1.5 packs of cigarettes), he returned to Cansar’s lab. There he watched as mice with cancer were forced to eat different kinds of cheddar and to under go chemo. After an hour of tests, Cancar concluded that orange-cheddar will severely worsen the cancer of 45% of mice, while white-cheddar will cure around 5%. In conclusion, American cheese cured the most, and our reporter now has lung cancer from too much smoking. I hope he likes american cheese. Until next time, see ya.

Of the shores of Brocenshards Beach, a large cruise ship was set aflame by an evil seagull. The event happened around 7:30am this morning. According to investigators, the fire started when the seagull crapped down one of the ship’s smoke stacks. The poop then went into one of the engines and caused it to explode. This explosion set off a chain reaction of fires. It was just after the last person on board was evacuated that the entire ship became a fiery inferno. Meanwhile, the seagull was arrested and charged with arson. His sentence is a lifetime with no parole. Also, he does have a bail price of 5.2 million dollars. Until next time, see ya.

Unless your a fan of robots, you probably don’t think about them. Well let me just tell you something: YOU FREAKING SHOULD!!! If no one ever thinks about robots, than there won’t be any sort preparation for when they take over the world. In other words: WE’LL BE FREAKING DEFENSELESS!!! Start thinking about robots NOW!!! Buy a tazor, gather up food and supplies, and build a bomb shelter. NOW!!!

This message has been brought to you by the DRAP, or Deadly Robot Awareness Program. Please do as we say or else.

A little background about the ‘Word of the Week’: Two weeks in a row now, I’ve had an odd problem with trying to say two words (that have the same meaning) at once. When I try to say one of the words, they seem to somehow fuse together and become a completely different word. This week:

specifiular (v; spuss-iff-you-lurr): To be specific and particular simultaneously.

This year’s winner of the Japanese Artistry School’s Drawing Championship was a flea (”Jonothan Kyutass” pictured, left). The flea outdrew three world-class artists, and a clone of Pablo Picasso, which was a mistake created by a crazy Japanese scientist. The flea said the following; “I’m dearly thankful to be able to win this award. My father won it five years in a row, and his dream was to carry on being a great artist. Soon, that became my dream and look where I am now. It’s such an honor to be the son of the amazing Seiksi Kyutass.”

Life for Joseph is not as glamorous as you may think, however. Being a flea, it’s very challenging for him to interact with normal humans. Here’s what he had to say about this: “I almost get killed every day. Seriously. Most people just think I’m some disease-hoarding flee, until they learn who I am. Recently, my manager Jerry has helped me create a way of survival. (pictured below). If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be here.”

Our reporters had an interview set up, but right as we were ready to ask him some questions, his manager told us that he was going to be late for his weekly artists’ club. We greeted them off and thanked them for their time. It had truly been amazing to see the wonderful Jonothan Kyutass. You can read Jonothan’s Blog at http://www.you-shouldnt-click-here-because-it-wont-take-you-anywhere.net/JKyutass.

While x-raying Mr. Eetevarithing, doctors found a something peculiar in his stomach. When they magnified the x-ray picture of Mr. Eetevarithing’s stomach, they noticed a strange round object. Upon further examination, they found that it was a UFO. Soon they began to question Mr. Eetevarithing. He claimed that he had never seen the UFO before. He claims that if he had seen a UFO, he probably would have run from it. Soon police got involved in the investigation. First, they had the UFO surgically removed. They then accessed CIA (Crappy Intelligence of America)’s security footage that had been taken at Mr. Eetevarithing’s house. This footage revealed that Mr. Eetevarithing had swallowed the UFO in his sleep. Oh well, mystery solved. Until next time, see ya.

Did you know that trees are tall? I didn’t. (Actually I did, so screw you!) They are also long, hard, and full of sticky sap. I dare you to lick the sap. You never know, you might just like it. Or maybe you’ll die. That could be fun if your a depressed Goth bitch. Also, they have brown bark. Bet you didn’t know that! Until next time, see ya.

P.S. If you didn’t know any of this, you should probably stop reading this and go to school.