Erazats News

In Weepohlooteh, Nevada, a gang war broke out between the cities two most dangerous and criminal gangs, the Bastahdes and the Ayhohlles. Both gangs have been rivaling and working against each other for over a decade now, and the people of Weepohloteh were not surprised to see a gang war. The two gangs have always been notoriously violent, and have been known to commit many crimes. The sick Bastahdes were often found guilty for crimes such as furniture insurance fraud, mass murder of the homeless, and grand-theft taco. Meanwhile, those annoying Ayhohlles were often guilty of plagiarism, selling boot leg copies of foreign films, and producing Pimpery: The Musical. A gang war, though new to their lists of misdeeds, is nothing too unexpected from them.

The war broke out sometime around 4:23:47am. Imakeel Yuu, the leader of the Bastahdes, started the war under the influence of what he calls, “Magik Shroomz.” While coincidently passing by a warehouse well known to be occupied by the Ayhohlles, decided to launch an attack. He started his assualt by throwing his body against the hard stone wall of the warehouse, in an attempt to break the support beams and cause a cave-in. After a few minutes and possible head injuries of this pitiful attempt, he decided to adopt a new plan from one of his fellow gang members.

He entered the the warehouse via the unlocked doors which he had forgotten were there, and began firing his AK-47 wildly into the room. Within seconds, the Ayhohlles retaliated, pulling out their guns and firing back at him. By the time everyone in the fight was over the majority of people involved were dead. Fortunately, thousands of mice and rats were able to escape the facilities of the warehouse. Further investigation shows that the leader of the Ayhohlles, Baydebreeth Fattmawn, was running some sort of arena with the small rodents, causing many of them to perish in bloody death-matches. Because of his death, which may have been caused by both the fight and the fact that he had sniffed a large portion of his “Happy Dust,” all the mouse and rat gladiators were free. In the gang’s weakened state, police authorities were able to arrest the surviving Ayhohlles and the nasty Bastahdes that had started the war were able to become the unrivaled ruling gang of the city.

-R.E. Porter, Erazats News

Just a few minutes ago, while being jumped all over by fangirls, beloved Erazats writer Isuko Ninja has legally changed his name to R.E. Porter. Proceeding his actions, said fangirls ran away at the sight of the new name. However, Porter has found great relief in a new name, noting that he can now “be like one of those mysterious authors” (read: J.K. Rowling). Porter is already back in his office and hard at work striving to deliver to you the best news from around the world.
Worry not, former Isuko fans. Porter has merely changed a name, not a personality. You will still be able to mail him fan letters with requests for autographs at his usual address, which I will not remind you of. This is the beginning of a new era! …zats.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

We do realize that it’s somewhat early to reveal the latest technologies to our readers since the last revelation, but this one is too exciting to pass up.

The day was Sunday. It was a cool afternoon in Southeastern Pennsylvania. The brand? Ben & Jerry’s. An extremely obese (180lbs.) woman eating ice cream in her backyard pool discovered that she would perform an effortless backflip after each bite. She had no idea why it was happening, but she claims to have lost over 40 pounds in a day purely by eating this ice cream.

So Erazats.com’s “highly trained” group of “professional researchers” went out to investigate this amazing event. We visited the woman (Jasmine Treklyn) at her home this morning on Dropfat St. around south Philadelphia. She invited us in warmly and offered us some fat people food (celery and ranch dip. fat to the max.) She explained to our “scientists” that this was not a staged event. She was innocently eating ice cream in her pool when she was bombarded with backflips of weight loss.

Team Erazats found the cause of this miracle after a quick evaluation of the scene. Apparently a reaction between the chlorine in the pool and a toxic additive in the ice cream created a chemical that stimulated a specific nerve in the brain which controls backflips. Usually this nerve does not activate unless a person would exert force to perform a backflip, but the ice cream seems to have created a stress-free way to backflip yourself to anorexia.

The potential use of this technology throughout America is astounding. With a 60% obesity rate and a massive pool (no pun intended) of ice cream addicts, what better way could there be to lose weight? There are no known side effects for this method, aside from the obvious (backflipping down a staircase, etc).

As far as getting this product on store shelves, we’ve got the entire ‘zats & ‘zats legal team bitching over the phone to Ben & Jerry’s to persue this new delight.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

This morning, the Supreme Court won a trial against McDonald’s regarding the amount of poison included in each portion of McDonald’s “food”. The court ordered that they reduce the poison levels in their food by 97%, bringing popular burgers such as the 32oz. Big Mac down to a measly 0.4oz burger. Drinks made by other companies for McDonald’s (McFlurries, sodas, etc.) were reduced from 24oz. to 23.98oz (still a 97% reduction in poison).

In coordination with ABC’s new rip-off series “Fat March” we sent notes back and forth to interview McDonald’s CEO Maishiddis Green via a fat guy running along busy highways (who ironically ordered McDonald’s for every meal along the way). Here’s how it turned out:

Erazats News: How does this judgment affect your business?
Maishiddis Green: Our revenues have seen a staggering drop. Essentially (please don’t publish this), we serve poison and call it food. Poison is about 85% cheaper than real food, and it contains addictive additives which constantly bring customers back. Now that we can only put 3% poison in our food, we have to find real food to fill the other 97% to maintain our abnormally large meal portions. This will result in a Big Mac costing about $4.97 retail. We consider ourselves lucky to be able to still offer bargain prices. Imagine the cost if we used safe meat!
EN: Do you plan on constructing a new business model for McDonald’s?
MG: Not really. We already have our customers hooked. And despite the price raises, that 3% nicotine-laced poison should be enough to maintain addiction within most of our customers.
EN: Do you still think you will have the edge on the fast-food market after these changes?
MG: I don’t think we will, I -know- we will. We’ve already hired a squad of highly trained U.S. Army bomb squad terrorists to blow our competition out of the ground…literally. McDonald’s will continue to use unhealthy, unethical, dirty business practices to achieve profit. That has been our mission ever since we purchased the company name from those two brothers ages ago. We will continue to advertise jobs at our restaurants to the young American crowd, promising the best working experience around, and not live up to that promise by making them work in environments with mouse crap everywhere at minimum wage. Basically, not much will change.
EN: Thanks for your time. We hope you burn in hell.

We’d like to take the end of this article to commend Larry “The Cable-watcher Guy” Schwartz for his sheer dedication to Erazats News and his personal health. All in all, he lost 700 pounds of fat and gained 701 pounds in leg muscle (that’s what happens when you run six notes from Pennsylvania to Washington State over the course of three days). We hope all of you out there who are trying to lose weight follow in his footsteps (and show your dedication to Erazats). Soon we’ll be opening up a shop with a T-shirts you can buy to show your dedication to Erazats and show off to your friends all the fat lost (and the muscle you gained).

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

[Serious Mode]

We are truly sorry for all of the people who have fallen into the trap of American fast food. Most likely it’s not your fault. However great their food may taste, it’s putting so much crap into your body that you have to be a writer for a propaganda website to be able to laugh about it. If you’d like to learn more about the harmful effects of fast food, you can go rent or download SuperSize Me!, an Erazats recommended movie, or you can go here. Furthermore, for those of you who would like to help us rebel against the fast food companies, there is a petition here that you can sign to help prevent the torture of animals in slaughterhouses (being cooked alive, kicked around, etc.). May the ‘zats be with you! Together we shall end the hellhole we call fast food!

After his near-death experience involving a rubber pen grip, rubber specialist and highly acclaimed scientologist Tom Caruze headed to the lab to make sure nobody else would ever have to come close to fate the way he did. We inquired about his accident with utmost respect.

“So we’re assuming you choked or something stupid,” asked Erazats reporter Yamaki Tsuki. “Well,” Caruze stated, “not exactly. The pen I was using was bugged by government officials, and included various in-pen explosives. I must have said something suspicious, which triggered the explosives, centered around the area that a normal person would use a pen grip. The blast absolutely decimated the grip, giving me a third degree boo-boo on my middle finger and thumb on my right hand. I put some ice on it and within five minutes I no longer felt pain. However, as I was heading back to my basement, I tripped over my cat and fell down the stairs, shattering my skull. I was in a coma for four years following some months of intensive care. Obviously, none of this would have happened if the grip had held together through the blast. So once I was released from the hospital, I headed to my lab to do some research. Within hours, my sheer luck led me to create a type of rubber that’s completely resistant to penetration and fire. I contacted Bic and agreed to sell my new material to them for the production of safer, more grippy pen grips.”

This was a resonable story. We next asked “Haven’t you thought of selling this to tire companies or bouncy-ball plants? This could save many lives and make it easier for heavier-wheeled vehicles to be produced.” Tom responded, “Funny that you mention it. I actually did contact Firestone and proposed a $50 billion dollar deal to them, but their CEO said that was outrageous and offered me a much more ‘reasonable’ $790 million. I told him his mother reeked of manure and hung up. Further than doing that, I have no more plans for my new rubber. I have patented it and will not sell it to anyone else besides Bic.” We couldn’t believe this guy. “Why are you being so selfish with your new invention?” “Because I can.”

Here at Erazats we believe in the advancement of science and technology. So, for all humanity’s good, we loaded Caruze into a cannon and shot him into the Atlantic.

We did attempt to interview the CEO of Firestone, but we couldn’t understand what he was saying over all of the crying.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News