Erazats News

As you may notice, we need writers! Porter and I tend to be pretty busy (I’m in Puerto Rico as I type this), and it’s tough for us to supply you with girly giggles every single day.

So you ask, what are the benefits of becoming an Erazats writer? Take a look:

• Free cookies.
• National recognition.
• A percentage of ad revenue (once we start getting some LAWL).
• Yourname@erazats.com (you’ll be the only one…lol)
• The satisfaction of making people laugh.

So if you’re interested in a position you can contact me at yamaki [DOT] com [AT] gmail [DOT] com. Yay spam protection!

Oh, and we’ll expect some stuff from you too…articles once every one to three days (the more the merrier!). That’s pretty much it. We’re looking forward to getting this site more up-and-runner-er than it ever was!

Just a few minutes ago, while being jumped all over by fangirls, beloved Erazats writer Isuko Ninja has legally changed his name to R.E. Porter. Proceeding his actions, said fangirls ran away at the sight of the new name. However, Porter has found great relief in a new name, noting that he can now “be like one of those mysterious authors” (read: J.K. Rowling). Porter is already back in his office and hard at work striving to deliver to you the best news from around the world.
Worry not, former Isuko fans. Porter has merely changed a name, not a personality. You will still be able to mail him fan letters with requests for autographs at his usual address, which I will not remind you of. This is the beginning of a new era! …zats.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

We do realize that it’s somewhat early to reveal the latest technologies to our readers since the last revelation, but this one is too exciting to pass up.

The day was Sunday. It was a cool afternoon in Southeastern Pennsylvania. The brand? Ben & Jerry’s. An extremely obese (180lbs.) woman eating ice cream in her backyard pool discovered that she would perform an effortless backflip after each bite. She had no idea why it was happening, but she claims to have lost over 40 pounds in a day purely by eating this ice cream.

So Erazats.com’s “highly trained” group of “professional researchers” went out to investigate this amazing event. We visited the woman (Jasmine Treklyn) at her home this morning on Dropfat St. around south Philadelphia. She invited us in warmly and offered us some fat people food (celery and ranch dip. fat to the max.) She explained to our “scientists” that this was not a staged event. She was innocently eating ice cream in her pool when she was bombarded with backflips of weight loss.

Team Erazats found the cause of this miracle after a quick evaluation of the scene. Apparently a reaction between the chlorine in the pool and a toxic additive in the ice cream created a chemical that stimulated a specific nerve in the brain which controls backflips. Usually this nerve does not activate unless a person would exert force to perform a backflip, but the ice cream seems to have created a stress-free way to backflip yourself to anorexia.

The potential use of this technology throughout America is astounding. With a 60% obesity rate and a massive pool (no pun intended) of ice cream addicts, what better way could there be to lose weight? There are no known side effects for this method, aside from the obvious (backflipping down a staircase, etc).

As far as getting this product on store shelves, we’ve got the entire ‘zats & ‘zats legal team bitching over the phone to Ben & Jerry’s to persue this new delight.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

Phallagulite (fah-lad-jew-lite) (adj.)

1. To be a natural spaz or weirdo. One who knows no bounds when it comes to casual conversations. 2. To be like Yamaki’s mom. 3. One with extreme intellect who never decides to publically display it.

Example Phrase: “That phallagulite neighbor of mine knows perfectly well how to fix my driveway, but keeps refusing to help me” or “Joe is such a friggin phallagulite. He told me that I smelled like a canoe patch. What does that even mean?”

I’m happy to announce that I’ve finally transferred Erazats to my own server and am now hosing it on a wordpress blog instead of crappy (sorry!) blogger. We should be up and running, writing articles again, with our own NEW logo, extremely soon. I’m talking a couple of days. Get ready for it!

In the small town of Popcornnchikenz, Texas, a recent absence in cows has forced local farmers to look for a new kind of dairy. Luckily they discovered that chickens can produce an orange milk like substance when squeezed violently. This milk like substance or “Chicken Milk” has been succsefully used to make all sorts of typical dairy products, such as cheese, cream, cheese, butter, and cheese. The only flaw is that each product has a slight orange color.

The discovery of chicken milk and its many capabilities was made by Popcornnchikenz farmer John Scaammerr and his various farm workers; Juan Lopez, Carlos Rodriguez, Maria Santiago, and Jose Garcia. Farmer Scaammerr gives most of the credit to his loyal workers. “They’ve shown high intelligence and good strength ever since they climbed the fence into my edge of the border farm.” he says.

On a final note the cows are still missing and are suspected to have been abducted by local space aliens Chznagoz and Lhrugyo. Police are looking into the case, but so far, no real evidence against the space alien couple has been found. The only possible evidence is a barn stuffed with cows hidden in the woods behind their house and the flying saucer with a working tractor beam in their garage. However, this is very unlikely evidence. If you have information about the missing cows, please call 1-555-COW’S-LOST.

Adios!

Mr. Kidzrguna Dy, a resident in East Dallas recently completed his goal of building a 3×3 foot miniature basketball court model in his backyard. He created the model to help him plan the layout of his brand-new 3×3 mile McDonalds that he’s planning to build this fall. When we asked how a tiny basketball court model was relevant to the plans of a huge-arse McDonald’s, he stated “Ga Floogiboo, ma tel kooni ma raptur asian.” That was enough to convince us that his plan was a streak of genius.

His miniature b-ball court seemed to be going off without a hitch, until his neighbor reported that a gang of killer pidgeons had invaded the court and started gang wars. We were able to record the pidgeons via a hidden camera, and got proof of what happened. We are lucky enough to have a friend down here at Erazats who transforms into a pidgeon by night, named Isucko. We sent him in to get killed *cough* uh, excuse me, to get DETAILS about the gangs that were hangin’ out in the courts. Here’s what we captured from a tape recorder that we strapped to Isucko:

Isucko: Yo wazzup PIDGEZ?!
(Right then, a pidgeon the size of a deflated balloon tackled our feeble Isucko and cornered him, threatening to peck)
Isucko: Yo what is yo NAME?! Man back up OFFA me dawg!
Pidd-G: My name’s Pidd-G, what’s yours? Stringcepts?
Isucko: HAH! Oh man that was clever! *sniffle sniffle* Ooooh you got me man. But really, it’s Isucko. I’m here wundrin about yo bizness up in here. Dis place aint’ yours! DIS MY HOUSE!
Pidd-G: Oh, oh my goodness. I am. So. Sorry. Like, we thought this was a free party or something. We -TOTALLY- are SOOOO sorry.
Isucko: E-excuse me?
Pidd-G: COME ON GIRLS! WE’RE LEAVING! Ugh. I am DONE. I am SO. DONE. PMS is about to kick in. Better run while ya can.
Isucko: Uh…okay. Bye.

Isucko has been stuck in pidgeon form ever since. But hey, we’re not complaining. The PMSing pidgeon pansy pack headed out and caused various trouble around the neighborhood, including eating all of the fattest man in the worlds’ stash of ice cream. The fat man got pissed and fell over on his dog, who promptly yelped, fell out a window, and smashed a bystanding Gnome. Another Gnome came from nowhere and threw the dog at an old lady and well…yeah. You can guess the rest.

…Wow, I’m really craving some ice cream right now.

This morning, British gang “Da Gurli Men,” consisting of the Gurli brothers, released their new classical album entitled “U R Gona B Dead”. The record company that they were working with almost didn’t accept the title, but the owner of the label says they threatened him by claiming “If U Dun Release Us We Will Make U Dead.”
The group has had about $22 in sales since this morning, which is over 1.5 million records. They started to wonder why they were making more money selling fake drugs (“plaster crack”) than selling 1.5 million albums. Their manager, J.D. Snoop Brotha Homie 75 Cent G, told us that since he uses an “Apple CrappingtonBook,” a decimal point and about 4 zeroes were added in before the retail price. Apple denies that it was their fault, and say that he was probably drunk when he made this “error”. Apple is suing J.D. Snoop Brotha for publically insulting their CrappingtonBook line, and is also renaming the line of computers to iSuck.

This article was submitted by Bush, we swear. Yeah, we know it sucks. We expected it.
*runs*

Erazats News presents it’s first ever entry in the archive of world records. Today’s entry is about Burger Queen the cat. Ms. Queen has made her way into our records by being the largest pet cat ever. Weighing in at 200lbs, Ms. Queen tops all the competition, for she is truly the queen of big catestness. All hail the queen!

My liver has exploded and I have been put into a coma. I won’t be able to write until tomorrow. Sorry I let you down, kids.