Erazats News

Mr. Kidzrguna Dy, a resident in East Dallas recently completed his goal of building a 3×3 foot miniature basketball court model in his backyard. He created the model to help him plan the layout of his brand-new 3×3 mile McDonalds that he’s planning to build this fall. When we asked how a tiny basketball court model was relevant to the plans of a huge-arse McDonald’s, he stated “Ga Floogiboo, ma tel kooni ma raptur asian.” That was enough to convince us that his plan was a streak of genius.

His miniature b-ball court seemed to be going off without a hitch, until his neighbor reported that a gang of killer pidgeons had invaded the court and started gang wars. We were able to record the pidgeons via a hidden camera, and got proof of what happened. We are lucky enough to have a friend down here at Erazats who transforms into a pidgeon by night, named Isucko. We sent him in to get killed *cough* uh, excuse me, to get DETAILS about the gangs that were hangin’ out in the courts. Here’s what we captured from a tape recorder that we strapped to Isucko:

Isucko: Yo wazzup PIDGEZ?!
(Right then, a pidgeon the size of a deflated balloon tackled our feeble Isucko and cornered him, threatening to peck)
Isucko: Yo what is yo NAME?! Man back up OFFA me dawg!
Pidd-G: My name’s Pidd-G, what’s yours? Stringcepts?
Isucko: HAH! Oh man that was clever! *sniffle sniffle* Ooooh you got me man. But really, it’s Isucko. I’m here wundrin about yo bizness up in here. Dis place aint’ yours! DIS MY HOUSE!
Pidd-G: Oh, oh my goodness. I am. So. Sorry. Like, we thought this was a free party or something. We -TOTALLY- are SOOOO sorry.
Isucko: E-excuse me?
Pidd-G: COME ON GIRLS! WE’RE LEAVING! Ugh. I am DONE. I am SO. DONE. PMS is about to kick in. Better run while ya can.
Isucko: Uh…okay. Bye.

Isucko has been stuck in pidgeon form ever since. But hey, we’re not complaining. The PMSing pidgeon pansy pack headed out and caused various trouble around the neighborhood, including eating all of the fattest man in the worlds’ stash of ice cream. The fat man got pissed and fell over on his dog, who promptly yelped, fell out a window, and smashed a bystanding Gnome. Another Gnome came from nowhere and threw the dog at an old lady and well…yeah. You can guess the rest.

…Wow, I’m really craving some ice cream right now.

This morning, British gang “Da Gurli Men,” consisting of the Gurli brothers, released their new classical album entitled “U R Gona B Dead”. The record company that they were working with almost didn’t accept the title, but the owner of the label says they threatened him by claiming “If U Dun Release Us We Will Make U Dead.”
The group has had about $22 in sales since this morning, which is over 1.5 million records. They started to wonder why they were making more money selling fake drugs (“plaster crack”) than selling 1.5 million albums. Their manager, J.D. Snoop Brotha Homie 75 Cent G, told us that since he uses an “Apple CrappingtonBook,” a decimal point and about 4 zeroes were added in before the retail price. Apple denies that it was their fault, and say that he was probably drunk when he made this “error”. Apple is suing J.D. Snoop Brotha for publically insulting their CrappingtonBook line, and is also renaming the line of computers to iSuck.

This article was submitted by Bush, we swear. Yeah, we know it sucks. We expected it.
*runs*

Erazats News presents it’s first ever entry in the archive of world records. Today’s entry is about Burger Queen the cat. Ms. Queen has made her way into our records by being the largest pet cat ever. Weighing in at 200lbs, Ms. Queen tops all the competition, for she is truly the queen of big catestness. All hail the queen!

My liver has exploded and I have been put into a coma. I won’t be able to write until tomorrow. Sorry I let you down, kids.

Well, were tired of waiting so were doing another Photo Quote. This means we’ll post the few quotes that were posted. Hopefully MORE of YOU will post quotes. Here they are:
-”Yo brotha, who been stole my turntables?!” -Yamaki
-“Zoinks!” - Chuck Williams
-”Yesterday after the park service lady kicked me in the groin, my nuts swelled up to here!” -Nuts for you

Our next photo’s posted above. Please post. Until next time, see ya.

Around 1pm, a fire broke out at the house of Mr. and Mrs. Burns, on Ember St. Luckily, the couple escaped and nobody else was hurt. Also luckily, the living room is still intact, (if you exclude the missing wall and water damage.) Other than that though, the rest of the house is completely gone. After the firemen and a determined 3 year-old put out the fire, police and a determined 5 year-old began the investigation.

Around an hour later, Jr. Officer Timmy, (a.k.a. the determined 5 year-old,) made an incredible discovery. Under the sink was a leaky pipe. At first, the over weight, donut loving, police force was skeptical of little Timmy’s discover. As most people think, they thought that water couldn’t couldn’t start a fire. Timmy was right however. According to police investigation scientist, Dr. Phraud, the drop of water could have started the fire. He explained that first the drop of water would fall through a hole in the floor into the basement. Mr. Phlaame, the Burn’s family cat, (who is easily startled and likes to sit on a basement shelf directly under the sink’s location,) would have felt the drop. This sudden feeling of wetness would have startled him and caused him to run forward. When running forward, he would hit the nearby bowling ball and knock it off the shelf. The bowling ball would land on a board, (which is in the see-saw position,) and cause it to fling a nail into a wire on the ceiling. Electricity to travel through wooden ceiling supports and start a fire.

Both Mr Phlaame and the drop of water escaped the scene, but the bowling ball, and nail were taken into custody. Their hearing is on Smarch 33, 20006. If convicted guilty of arson, they will have a life sentence with no parole. Until next time, see ya.

Today, a Cheese Curls representative held a press conference about the new chemical that has been added to Cheese Curls. He said the following: “This new formula is designed to increase the snack’s appeal, as well as reduce fatty contents in it.” He says that profits are expected to hit the roof in the coming months. The only disadvantage in this new chemical is that it causes a deadly reaction in people with names starting with the letter “B.” The reason for this reaction is not known, but scientists do know that the Curls can give godlike powers to people whose names start with the prefix “Pgx”. The new Curls will be in stores two weeks from the date of this post, so if your name starts with B you better stock up on the old ones while they last!

In fact, over the past two days, huge riots have broken out in several supermarkets over the fact that the soon to be out of date curls were out of stock. In one case, the amount of people was so large that the floor collapsed and they all fell below ground. It took rescue teams thirteen hours and many forklifts to get everyone out safely. A homeless bystander had this to say: “Oh man, they peoples was fat!”

Oh, right, here’s a reminder for all of our readers: Don’t eat a banana if it has brown spots. I almost threw up all over an old lady yesterday because I ate a browning banana.

(Sorry for the lack of good content. Come on, it’s 10PM, I’m freakin tired. Good stuff tomorrow

SkamiCo (NYSE: SKAM) has released a new technology that prevents their products from going near products made by other companies. SkamiTensils, a subdivision of SkamiCo, makes virtually every utensil you can imagine, with the exception of serving spoons. Surveys show that 90% of families all over the Earth use SkamiTensils for eating. Out of those people, 77% of them use serving spoons. This means that 69.3% of the world’s population (assuming all of these people buy new SkamiTensils) will no longer be able to use serving spoons within 20ft. of any of their SkamiTensils.

For comsumers, this may not be a problem. One man said, “We’ll just switch to serving forks, oruse a large Skami-spoon.” Many people agree with this man’s statements, and have no problem getting rid of their serving spoons.

This matter, however, has severely affected Swedish company NYKEA. The owner of the company, Schazinjertux Vequosintongadingle, had the following to say: “It has only been two weeks since SkamiTensils’ new product releases, and our profits have dropped by over 70%! We need to create some type of deal with them to–” In the middle of our interview, Mr. Vequosintongadingle was knocked unconcious by a falling box of serving spoons.

Here’s the bottom line: You’re better off just not buying SkamiTensils. The name of the company sounds suspiciously like “scammy,” so they’re not ones to be trusted. In addition, here at Erazats News, we believe in serving spoons more that we believe in God. Every time a serving spoon is thown away, a puppie falls down a long flight of stairs into a coma. Please, think of the puppies.

Around 1pm at Paymoure and Flanigan, an unaware shoplifter was kidnapped by one of his new stolen chairs. “I was just loading up my truck with some stolen goods when the thing grabbed me, put me in the driver’s seat, and threatened to kill me if I didn’t drive,” stated Shoppe Leeftar, the German shoplifter who was kidnapped. According to his story, after he drove for about 10 miles, he was forced to enter his house and remain silent while the chair looted him. Luckily, security from Paymoure and Flanigan had witnessed the event and were on hot persuit. When they arrived, they found Shoppe watching a soccer game on T.V. while the chair watched him, ready to fire its gun. The security guards, who had learned kung-fu during mandatory training, quickly broke the chair’s leg before it could react. The chair, who we now know is named Classy Seat $500, is sentenced to 5 years in state prison. This just goes to show that justice always wins. Until next time, see ya.

No, nobody died. We’re both still here. We’d been writing so many articles for the past few days that our brains had just given up. Fortunately, for whatever number of readers we may have, there’s some new content coming up later today. Keep a look out!

Merry christmas.