Erazats News

In Weepohlooteh, Nevada, a gang war broke out between the cities two most dangerous and criminal gangs, the Bastahdes and the Ayhohlles. Both gangs have been rivaling and working against each other for over a decade now, and the people of Weepohloteh were not surprised to see a gang war. The two gangs have always been notoriously violent, and have been known to commit many crimes. The sick Bastahdes were often found guilty for crimes such as furniture insurance fraud, mass murder of the homeless, and grand-theft taco. Meanwhile, those annoying Ayhohlles were often guilty of plagiarism, selling boot leg copies of foreign films, and producing Pimpery: The Musical. A gang war, though new to their lists of misdeeds, is nothing too unexpected from them.

The war broke out sometime around 4:23:47am. Imakeel Yuu, the leader of the Bastahdes, started the war under the influence of what he calls, “Magik Shroomz.” While coincidently passing by a warehouse well known to be occupied by the Ayhohlles, decided to launch an attack. He started his assualt by throwing his body against the hard stone wall of the warehouse, in an attempt to break the support beams and cause a cave-in. After a few minutes and possible head injuries of this pitiful attempt, he decided to adopt a new plan from one of his fellow gang members.

He entered the the warehouse via the unlocked doors which he had forgotten were there, and began firing his AK-47 wildly into the room. Within seconds, the Ayhohlles retaliated, pulling out their guns and firing back at him. By the time everyone in the fight was over the majority of people involved were dead. Fortunately, thousands of mice and rats were able to escape the facilities of the warehouse. Further investigation shows that the leader of the Ayhohlles, Baydebreeth Fattmawn, was running some sort of arena with the small rodents, causing many of them to perish in bloody death-matches. Because of his death, which may have been caused by both the fight and the fact that he had sniffed a large portion of his “Happy Dust,” all the mouse and rat gladiators were free. In the gang’s weakened state, police authorities were able to arrest the surviving Ayhohlles and the nasty Bastahdes that had started the war were able to become the unrivaled ruling gang of the city.

-R.E. Porter, Erazats News

This morning, the Supreme Court won a trial against McDonald’s regarding the amount of poison included in each portion of McDonald’s “food”. The court ordered that they reduce the poison levels in their food by 97%, bringing popular burgers such as the 32oz. Big Mac down to a measly 0.4oz burger. Drinks made by other companies for McDonald’s (McFlurries, sodas, etc.) were reduced from 24oz. to 23.98oz (still a 97% reduction in poison).

In coordination with ABC’s new rip-off series “Fat March” we sent notes back and forth to interview McDonald’s CEO Maishiddis Green via a fat guy running along busy highways (who ironically ordered McDonald’s for every meal along the way). Here’s how it turned out:

Erazats News: How does this judgment affect your business?
Maishiddis Green: Our revenues have seen a staggering drop. Essentially (please don’t publish this), we serve poison and call it food. Poison is about 85% cheaper than real food, and it contains addictive additives which constantly bring customers back. Now that we can only put 3% poison in our food, we have to find real food to fill the other 97% to maintain our abnormally large meal portions. This will result in a Big Mac costing about $4.97 retail. We consider ourselves lucky to be able to still offer bargain prices. Imagine the cost if we used safe meat!
EN: Do you plan on constructing a new business model for McDonald’s?
MG: Not really. We already have our customers hooked. And despite the price raises, that 3% nicotine-laced poison should be enough to maintain addiction within most of our customers.
EN: Do you still think you will have the edge on the fast-food market after these changes?
MG: I don’t think we will, I -know- we will. We’ve already hired a squad of highly trained U.S. Army bomb squad terrorists to blow our competition out of the ground…literally. McDonald’s will continue to use unhealthy, unethical, dirty business practices to achieve profit. That has been our mission ever since we purchased the company name from those two brothers ages ago. We will continue to advertise jobs at our restaurants to the young American crowd, promising the best working experience around, and not live up to that promise by making them work in environments with mouse crap everywhere at minimum wage. Basically, not much will change.
EN: Thanks for your time. We hope you burn in hell.

We’d like to take the end of this article to commend Larry “The Cable-watcher Guy” Schwartz for his sheer dedication to Erazats News and his personal health. All in all, he lost 700 pounds of fat and gained 701 pounds in leg muscle (that’s what happens when you run six notes from Pennsylvania to Washington State over the course of three days). We hope all of you out there who are trying to lose weight follow in his footsteps (and show your dedication to Erazats). Soon we’ll be opening up a shop with a T-shirts you can buy to show your dedication to Erazats and show off to your friends all the fat lost (and the muscle you gained).

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

[Serious Mode]

We are truly sorry for all of the people who have fallen into the trap of American fast food. Most likely it’s not your fault. However great their food may taste, it’s putting so much crap into your body that you have to be a writer for a propaganda website to be able to laugh about it. If you’d like to learn more about the harmful effects of fast food, you can go rent or download SuperSize Me!, an Erazats recommended movie, or you can go here. Furthermore, for those of you who would like to help us rebel against the fast food companies, there is a petition here that you can sign to help prevent the torture of animals in slaughterhouses (being cooked alive, kicked around, etc.). May the ‘zats be with you! Together we shall end the hellhole we call fast food!