Erazats News

Here at Erazats there is a question which we are often asked: “Who are you, why do only post all of your articles a year apart from eachother, and what’s up with the topic inconsistency?” Those questions are probably better left answered another time. But for now let’s talk about a simple ego booster that can be achieved with just a computer and an internet connection. We’re guessing you have both of those since you’re reading this.

Unless you live in a cave, you probably know what BitTorrent is. You also probably know that you can head over to sites such as The Pirate Bay or YouTorrent and download $10,000 worth of software or movies for free. You also probably take part in said downloading. If you do, great! F*ck the RIAA, TPB 4 life, etcetc. The only problem with torrenting (well, the only one which i am going to mention) is that torrent sites have unreliable download speeds. This tends to cause frustration, because, well, everyone wants their illegal movies and software A-SAP. So what if it’s greedy? This is america–we define greedy! So, what’s the solution to this problem?

Well Mr./Mrs. reader, if you are one of the lucky bastards/bastardettes with FiOS internet service or the like (anything with >2Mbps upload speed), you can give yourself a little ego booster by helping someone else get their content. Even if you’re not blessed with le fiber, there are options. You can rent a Virtual Private Server (VPS) with Windows from a company like 1&1 or Krypt and do the same deeds 10x better than those FiOS dorks for around $25 per month.

So, you may ask, how does this whole thing work? Well, I’ve personally built you a 3-step proven success system:

1. Head on over to your favorite torrent site and go to the Recently Added section.
2. Look for torrents with 1 seed and >5 peers.
3. Fire up the torrent in your program (I HIGHLY recommend uTorrent)
4. Remove your upload speed cap if you have one and watch the magic happen.

At this point it might seem like you’re just downloading a file you don’t need. But you’re doing so much more–you’re “boosting” the torrent. As long as you maintain the highest completion below the seed, you can reduce stress on the seed and the other peers by distributing data to as many of the other peers as possible. This allows a few things to happen:

• New downloaders will be able to get their file faster.
• Current peers will have an easier time filling in the pieces of data that are missing.
• Once you are a seed, more seeds are created at a faster pace because you are delivering pieces at such a high bandwidth.
• Everyone is happy because they get their file faster.
• You gain the satisfaction of helping out a group of people with hardly any work.

Keep in mind that you don’t have to be on an illegal torrent site, and even I recommend against it if you’re planning on doing this often. Just go to a site which hosts Linux torrents–I recommend TuxDistro–and pick up a torrent with an unstable seeder to leecher ratio. Here’s what my BT client looks like on a typical day (click to enlarge):

Now go out there and make someone’s day!

Just a few minutes ago, while being jumped all over by fangirls, beloved Erazats writer Isuko Ninja has legally changed his name to R.E. Porter. Proceeding his actions, said fangirls ran away at the sight of the new name. However, Porter has found great relief in a new name, noting that he can now “be like one of those mysterious authors” (read: J.K. Rowling). Porter is already back in his office and hard at work striving to deliver to you the best news from around the world.
Worry not, former Isuko fans. Porter has merely changed a name, not a personality. You will still be able to mail him fan letters with requests for autographs at his usual address, which I will not remind you of. This is the beginning of a new era! …zats.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

We do realize that it’s somewhat early to reveal the latest technologies to our readers since the last revelation, but this one is too exciting to pass up.

The day was Sunday. It was a cool afternoon in Southeastern Pennsylvania. The brand? Ben & Jerry’s. An extremely obese (180lbs.) woman eating ice cream in her backyard pool discovered that she would perform an effortless backflip after each bite. She had no idea why it was happening, but she claims to have lost over 40 pounds in a day purely by eating this ice cream.

So Erazats.com’s “highly trained” group of “professional researchers” went out to investigate this amazing event. We visited the woman (Jasmine Treklyn) at her home this morning on Dropfat St. around south Philadelphia. She invited us in warmly and offered us some fat people food (celery and ranch dip. fat to the max.) She explained to our “scientists” that this was not a staged event. She was innocently eating ice cream in her pool when she was bombarded with backflips of weight loss.

Team Erazats found the cause of this miracle after a quick evaluation of the scene. Apparently a reaction between the chlorine in the pool and a toxic additive in the ice cream created a chemical that stimulated a specific nerve in the brain which controls backflips. Usually this nerve does not activate unless a person would exert force to perform a backflip, but the ice cream seems to have created a stress-free way to backflip yourself to anorexia.

The potential use of this technology throughout America is astounding. With a 60% obesity rate and a massive pool (no pun intended) of ice cream addicts, what better way could there be to lose weight? There are no known side effects for this method, aside from the obvious (backflipping down a staircase, etc).

As far as getting this product on store shelves, we’ve got the entire ‘zats & ‘zats legal team bitching over the phone to Ben & Jerry’s to persue this new delight.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

In the small town of Popcornnchikenz, Texas, a recent absence in cows has forced local farmers to look for a new kind of dairy. Luckily they discovered that chickens can produce an orange milk like substance when squeezed violently. This milk like substance or “Chicken Milk” has been succsefully used to make all sorts of typical dairy products, such as cheese, cream, cheese, butter, and cheese. The only flaw is that each product has a slight orange color.

The discovery of chicken milk and its many capabilities was made by Popcornnchikenz farmer John Scaammerr and his various farm workers; Juan Lopez, Carlos Rodriguez, Maria Santiago, and Jose Garcia. Farmer Scaammerr gives most of the credit to his loyal workers. “They’ve shown high intelligence and good strength ever since they climbed the fence into my edge of the border farm.” he says.

On a final note the cows are still missing and are suspected to have been abducted by local space aliens Chznagoz and Lhrugyo. Police are looking into the case, but so far, no real evidence against the space alien couple has been found. The only possible evidence is a barn stuffed with cows hidden in the woods behind their house and the flying saucer with a working tractor beam in their garage. However, this is very unlikely evidence. If you have information about the missing cows, please call 1-555-COW’S-LOST.

Adios!

Mr. Kidzrguna Dy, a resident in East Dallas recently completed his goal of building a 3×3 foot miniature basketball court model in his backyard. He created the model to help him plan the layout of his brand-new 3×3 mile McDonalds that he’s planning to build this fall. When we asked how a tiny basketball court model was relevant to the plans of a huge-arse McDonald’s, he stated “Ga Floogiboo, ma tel kooni ma raptur asian.” That was enough to convince us that his plan was a streak of genius.

His miniature b-ball court seemed to be going off without a hitch, until his neighbor reported that a gang of killer pidgeons had invaded the court and started gang wars. We were able to record the pidgeons via a hidden camera, and got proof of what happened. We are lucky enough to have a friend down here at Erazats who transforms into a pidgeon by night, named Isucko. We sent him in to get killed *cough* uh, excuse me, to get DETAILS about the gangs that were hangin’ out in the courts. Here’s what we captured from a tape recorder that we strapped to Isucko:

Isucko: Yo wazzup PIDGEZ?!
(Right then, a pidgeon the size of a deflated balloon tackled our feeble Isucko and cornered him, threatening to peck)
Isucko: Yo what is yo NAME?! Man back up OFFA me dawg!
Pidd-G: My name’s Pidd-G, what’s yours? Stringcepts?
Isucko: HAH! Oh man that was clever! *sniffle sniffle* Ooooh you got me man. But really, it’s Isucko. I’m here wundrin about yo bizness up in here. Dis place aint’ yours! DIS MY HOUSE!
Pidd-G: Oh, oh my goodness. I am. So. Sorry. Like, we thought this was a free party or something. We -TOTALLY- are SOOOO sorry.
Isucko: E-excuse me?
Pidd-G: COME ON GIRLS! WE’RE LEAVING! Ugh. I am DONE. I am SO. DONE. PMS is about to kick in. Better run while ya can.
Isucko: Uh…okay. Bye.

Isucko has been stuck in pidgeon form ever since. But hey, we’re not complaining. The PMSing pidgeon pansy pack headed out and caused various trouble around the neighborhood, including eating all of the fattest man in the worlds’ stash of ice cream. The fat man got pissed and fell over on his dog, who promptly yelped, fell out a window, and smashed a bystanding Gnome. Another Gnome came from nowhere and threw the dog at an old lady and well…yeah. You can guess the rest.

…Wow, I’m really craving some ice cream right now.

This morning, British gang “Da Gurli Men,” consisting of the Gurli brothers, released their new classical album entitled “U R Gona B Dead”. The record company that they were working with almost didn’t accept the title, but the owner of the label says they threatened him by claiming “If U Dun Release Us We Will Make U Dead.”
The group has had about $22 in sales since this morning, which is over 1.5 million records. They started to wonder why they were making more money selling fake drugs (”plaster crack”) than selling 1.5 million albums. Their manager, J.D. Snoop Brotha Homie 75 Cent G, told us that since he uses an “Apple CrappingtonBook,” a decimal point and about 4 zeroes were added in before the retail price. Apple denies that it was their fault, and say that he was probably drunk when he made this “error”. Apple is suing J.D. Snoop Brotha for publically insulting their CrappingtonBook line, and is also renaming the line of computers to iSuck.

This article was submitted by Bush, we swear. Yeah, we know it sucks. We expected it.
*runs*

My liver has exploded and I have been put into a coma. I won’t be able to write until tomorrow. Sorry I let you down, kids.

Well, were tired of waiting so were doing another Photo Quote. This means we’ll post the few quotes that were posted. Hopefully MORE of YOU will post quotes. Here they are:
-”Yo brotha, who been stole my turntables?!” -Yamaki
-“Zoinks!” - Chuck Williams
-”Yesterday after the park service lady kicked me in the groin, my nuts swelled up to here!” -Nuts for you

Our next photo’s posted above. Please post. Until next time, see ya.

Around 1pm, a fire broke out at the house of Mr. and Mrs. Burns, on Ember St. Luckily, the couple escaped and nobody else was hurt. Also luckily, the living room is still intact, (if you exclude the missing wall and water damage.) Other than that though, the rest of the house is completely gone. After the firemen and a determined 3 year-old put out the fire, police and a determined 5 year-old began the investigation.

Around an hour later, Jr. Officer Timmy, (a.k.a. the determined 5 year-old,) made an incredible discovery. Under the sink was a leaky pipe. At first, the over weight, donut loving, police force was skeptical of little Timmy’s discover. As most people think, they thought that water couldn’t couldn’t start a fire. Timmy was right however. According to police investigation scientist, Dr. Phraud, the drop of water could have started the fire. He explained that first the drop of water would fall through a hole in the floor into the basement. Mr. Phlaame, the Burn’s family cat, (who is easily startled and likes to sit on a basement shelf directly under the sink’s location,) would have felt the drop. This sudden feeling of wetness would have startled him and caused him to run forward. When running forward, he would hit the nearby bowling ball and knock it off the shelf. The bowling ball would land on a board, (which is in the see-saw position,) and cause it to fling a nail into a wire on the ceiling. Electricity to travel through wooden ceiling supports and start a fire.

Both Mr Phlaame and the drop of water escaped the scene, but the bowling ball, and nail were taken into custody. Their hearing is on Smarch 33, 20006. If convicted guilty of arson, they will have a life sentence with no parole. Until next time, see ya.

Today, a Cheese Curls representative held a press conference about the new chemical that has been added to Cheese Curls. He said the following: “This new formula is designed to increase the snack’s appeal, as well as reduce fatty contents in it.” He says that profits are expected to hit the roof in the coming months. The only disadvantage in this new chemical is that it causes a deadly reaction in people with names starting with the letter “B.” The reason for this reaction is not known, but scientists do know that the Curls can give godlike powers to people whose names start with the prefix “Pgx”. The new Curls will be in stores two weeks from the date of this post, so if your name starts with B you better stock up on the old ones while they last!

In fact, over the past two days, huge riots have broken out in several supermarkets over the fact that the soon to be out of date curls were out of stock. In one case, the amount of people was so large that the floor collapsed and they all fell below ground. It took rescue teams thirteen hours and many forklifts to get everyone out safely. A homeless bystander had this to say: “Oh man, they peoples was fat!”

Oh, right, here’s a reminder for all of our readers: Don’t eat a banana if it has brown spots. I almost threw up all over an old lady yesterday because I ate a browning banana.

(Sorry for the lack of good content. Come on, it’s 10PM, I’m freakin tired. Good stuff tomorrow