Erazats News

We do realize that it’s somewhat early to reveal the latest technologies to our readers since the last revelation, but this one is too exciting to pass up.

The day was Sunday. It was a cool afternoon in Southeastern Pennsylvania. The brand? Ben & Jerry’s. An extremely obese (180lbs.) woman eating ice cream in her backyard pool discovered that she would perform an effortless backflip after each bite. She had no idea why it was happening, but she claims to have lost over 40 pounds in a day purely by eating this ice cream.

So Erazats.com’s “highly trained” group of “professional researchers” went out to investigate this amazing event. We visited the woman (Jasmine Treklyn) at her home this morning on Dropfat St. around south Philadelphia. She invited us in warmly and offered us some fat people food (celery and ranch dip. fat to the max.) She explained to our “scientists” that this was not a staged event. She was innocently eating ice cream in her pool when she was bombarded with backflips of weight loss.

Team Erazats found the cause of this miracle after a quick evaluation of the scene. Apparently a reaction between the chlorine in the pool and a toxic additive in the ice cream created a chemical that stimulated a specific nerve in the brain which controls backflips. Usually this nerve does not activate unless a person would exert force to perform a backflip, but the ice cream seems to have created a stress-free way to backflip yourself to anorexia.

The potential use of this technology throughout America is astounding. With a 60% obesity rate and a massive pool (no pun intended) of ice cream addicts, what better way could there be to lose weight? There are no known side effects for this method, aside from the obvious (backflipping down a staircase, etc).

As far as getting this product on store shelves, we’ve got the entire ‘zats & ‘zats legal team bitching over the phone to Ben & Jerry’s to persue this new delight.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News

After his near-death experience involving a rubber pen grip, rubber specialist and highly acclaimed scientologist Tom Caruze headed to the lab to make sure nobody else would ever have to come close to fate the way he did. We inquired about his accident with utmost respect.

“So we’re assuming you choked or something stupid,” asked Erazats reporter Yamaki Tsuki. “Well,” Caruze stated, “not exactly. The pen I was using was bugged by government officials, and included various in-pen explosives. I must have said something suspicious, which triggered the explosives, centered around the area that a normal person would use a pen grip. The blast absolutely decimated the grip, giving me a third degree boo-boo on my middle finger and thumb on my right hand. I put some ice on it and within five minutes I no longer felt pain. However, as I was heading back to my basement, I tripped over my cat and fell down the stairs, shattering my skull. I was in a coma for four years following some months of intensive care. Obviously, none of this would have happened if the grip had held together through the blast. So once I was released from the hospital, I headed to my lab to do some research. Within hours, my sheer luck led me to create a type of rubber that’s completely resistant to penetration and fire. I contacted Bic and agreed to sell my new material to them for the production of safer, more grippy pen grips.”

This was a resonable story. We next asked “Haven’t you thought of selling this to tire companies or bouncy-ball plants? This could save many lives and make it easier for heavier-wheeled vehicles to be produced.” Tom responded, “Funny that you mention it. I actually did contact Firestone and proposed a $50 billion dollar deal to them, but their CEO said that was outrageous and offered me a much more ‘reasonable’ $790 million. I told him his mother reeked of manure and hung up. Further than doing that, I have no more plans for my new rubber. I have patented it and will not sell it to anyone else besides Bic.” We couldn’t believe this guy. “Why are you being so selfish with your new invention?” “Because I can.”

Here at Erazats we believe in the advancement of science and technology. So, for all humanity’s good, we loaded Caruze into a cannon and shot him into the Atlantic.

We did attempt to interview the CEO of Firestone, but we couldn’t understand what he was saying over all of the crying.

-Yamaki Tsuki, Erazats News